Parody of the Caribbean: Dumb Man's Composition
by Luna-GrrrBack023
Summary: Parody of Dead Man's Chest. Could be said it's a sequel to Curse of the Bungled Prose, even though I'm not done with that yet. Enjoy the antics Jack, Will, Elizabeth, Norrington, Beckett, and Davy Jones in this new interpretation.
1. Weddings are for Losers

**Parody of the Caribbean: Dumb Man's Composition**

Weddings are for Losers

_Rain falls on beautiful porcelain tea cups and saucers and all manner of tableware set out for a wedding. The bride, Elizabeth Swann, also sits in the rain. She believes that that damn Will Turner stood her up, but boy will she be disappointed surprised._

_Out in Port Royal's harbor a fleet of longboats are being rowed to shore from a fleet of big nasty ships with funky logos. In one of the longboats a man sits astride a horse. The boats pull up and the horse jumps out creating an awesome entrance for an obviously sinister person. Troops run along after the horse. Troops march through the city and mothers bring their children in. The door of the blacksmith's shop is kicked in._

_Elizabeth hears something, turns around and runs towards a building where there are people waiting. Will has just been brought in chains. So far, there is nothing funny about this situation._

Elizabeth: OMG Will! What's happening?

Will: I've not the faintest idea.

Elizabeth: It's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding.

Will: Somehow I get the feeling there isn't going to be a wedding today but you still look beautiful.

_Governor Swann comes charging through saying what he's so good at saying._

The Governator: Stand your men down, stop pointing guns at my daughter. I'm the King's Governor of this bloody city and you'll listen to what I say!

Elizabeth: Daddy, shut up, you're not helping.

Voice: Indeed he isn't.

_The man from the horse walks in. Some servant removes his cloak and we see that he isn't awesome and powerful looking like he was on the horse in the shadows, he's actually quite short. HA! The Governator obviously knows him._

Governator: Cutler Beckett? I remember you. Back in London you were...chuckles to himself for unknown reasons

_Cutler Beckett does not appreciate the sniggering on his part._

Beckett: It's Lord now, Weatherby.

_That shuts the Governator up._

Governator: Well you still can't arrest this man, much as I think he's an idiot and I'd rather have Elizabeth marry Gillette than him. Nonetheless my daughter loves him and I just want her to get married already.

LORD Beckett: Sorry but I can and I will. Mercer, can I have the warrant for Mr. Turner please.

_Mercer, who looks like he would have made a good pirate hands Lord Beckett a warrant, who hands it to the Governator._

Governator: But this is for Elizabeth.

Lord Beckett: Oopsie, how embarrassing. Clap her in irons.

_Elizabeth struggles for all the good it will do. If only Jack was here with Madam Zelda and the donkey contraption._

Elizabeth: What are the charges!

_Beckett ignores her and hands the Governator the warrant for Will._

Lord Beckett: Here's the one for William Turner and I have another one here for a Mr. James Norrington, is he present?

Governator: No.

Lord Beckett: Oh really?

Governator: Yeah, he quit because Jack Sparrow made him jealous.

Will: Beckett, why that hell are we being arrested!

Elizabeth: Yeah, I know legal jargon so don't make me say it and just tell us already.

Governator (reading from the warrants): It says you sprung a man from jail, commandeered a ship of the fleet fraternized with pirates and sprung a man from jail again. It also says things like 'obstruction of justice' and...Beckett are you honestly arresting her for breaking her engagement?

Lord Beckett: Yep, 'fraid I am. The penalty for both of you, and Mr. Norrington, should we find him, is death by firing squad or lethal injection, you pick.

Governator: The hell? Why not gallows?

Elizabeth: Daddy, you're not helping.

Lord Beckett: It's more fun that way. But back to business since I see you still think you're innocent. Do you recall a certain pirate by the name of Jack Sparrow?

Will and Elizabeth: CAPTAIN!11!1! CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW!111!1

_Lord Beckett is bleeding from the ears but smiling nonetheless._

Lord Beckett: That's what I thought. Mercer, add verbal abuse to their list of crimes. This is just not your day is it?


	2. What Happened to the Good Ol' Disney Mov

**Parody of the Caribbean: Dumb Man's Composition**

What Happened to the Good Ol' Disney Movies?

Gibbs (drunker than a monkey's uncle): Fifteen men on a dead man's chest. Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum. Drink and the devil and down for the rest. Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.

_He laughs to himself and then hears something spooky 'cause he stops. There are crazy amounts of crows flying overheard and there must be land in the direction they're flying so let's see where they go. _

_Out of the fog that surrounds the Black Pearl we see there is some kind of scary ass fortress on the side of some cliffs. It looks like something out of Lord of the Rings. What on earth could Jack be doing in there? Lots of lovely close ups of crows eating live people and prisoners being tortured and imprisoned later we go down to the water and watch the dead people in caskets get thrown into the water. It is at this point that any normal person would wonder: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO THE GOOD OL' DISNEY MOVIES? HMM? Little children around the theatre are now scared out of their wits as they watch the caskets float out to sea and a lone crow land on the closest one. It pecks at the wood, thinking that it can get at the dead body and have a mean for its babies. Well surprise Mrs. Crow! BANG goes Jack's gun and then it points around like a periscope before Jack bursts out of the casket to various applause. _

Jack: Thank you, thank you.

_He pulls out his hat, and the leg off the dead guy and starts to row back to the Pearl._

Jack: Sorry mate, I'll be sure the parrot and the monkey don't eat you.

_Gibbs offers down a hand as Jack climbs up but instead gets a quickly decaying leg, which he hands to Cotton._

Gibbs: Was that part of the plan?

Jack: Not entirely but I leave room for revision.

Gibbs: Did you get what you came for?

Jack: Aye, that I did.

_He pulls out an old scrap of cloth and waves it in Gibbs' face. Gibbs doesn't look that impressed. Neither does the rest of the crew when Jack turns around._

Gibbs: Er, the crew, and myself, well we were hoping you'd get something a bit more...shiny, sparkly, glittery...valuable?

_The rest of the crew seems to agree with Gibbs._

Jack: Oh, so you don't think ol' Jack is in your best interests as captain?

_The crew looks down, ashamed that they'd bring up mutiny. Everyone knows what happened to Barbossa. Don't mess with Jack or his ship. But the parrot on the other hand doesn't know how to be ashamed._

Cotton's Parrot: Walk the plank you scabrous dog! Walk the plank!

_Jack pulls out his pistol._

Jack (not having a good day): What did the bird say!

_Cotton clamps a hand around the bird's beak. Just then the monkey jumps down and screeches in Jack's face before taking the cloth. Everyone parts as Jack follows the monkey with his pistol and fires. The monkey doesn't die but it drops the cloth. Marty the Midget picks it up._

Gibbs: Jack, you know you can't kill it.

Jack: Ah but it's fun Gibbs. You have to have time for fun.

Marty the Midget: It's a key.

_The rest of the crew is very interested now: keys unlock things._

Jack (taking the cloth from Marty): Better yet mates, it's a drawing of a key!

_They don't get why this is better._

Jack: Gentlemen, what do keys do?

Some Pirate: Keys unlock things?

Gibbs (totally getting it now): And whatever this key unlocks has something valuable inside it?

Jack: Very impressive gentlemen.

Gibbs: So we're going after what this key unlocks then?

Jack: No.

_They don't get why not._

Jack: Okay, if we don't have the key we can't unlock the thing it unlocks, which we don't have, so we have to go after what unlocks it first. Savvy?

Gibbs (after a moment): We're going after this key then?

Jack: You don't make any sense at all mate, why even bother. Any other pointless questions?

Marty the Midget: Do we have a heading?

Jack: Ah yes.

_He takes out his compass and consults it. It is lazily spinning one way and then the other._

Jack: Set sail in a...

_He closes his eyes and spins in a circle._

Jack: ...that way direction.

Marty the Midget: But that's the cliff face.

Jack: Then sail away from the cliff face. I'm done for the evening, I'll be in my cabin if you need me. But I can assure you, you won't. Savvy?

The Crew: Aye aye, Captain.

Jack: Splendid.

_He prances off to his cabin._

Marty the Midget: Have you noticed that Jack's been acting a bit strange...er?

Gibbs: Aye, blame the rum.


	3. Short Alcoholics and Kraken Chow

**A/N: Here's another chapter after a long long time. Sorry for the wait. And many thanks to TheDreamChild for sending me that link!**

**Parody of the Caribbean: Dumb Man's Composition**

Short Alcoholics and Kraken Chow

Soldier (bringing Will into Beckett's office): The prisoner, milord.

Beckett: Remove those shackles, we can be civilized here.

_Beckett pours some kind of alcohol into two very expensive glasses and offers Will one._

Will: I won't share a drink with the likes of you. Besides, I'll only have rum.

Beckett: Suit yourself.

_He downs the whole glass._

Will: Dude, maybe you should take it easy there. Small people get drunk faster.

_Beckett glares at him. This William Turner must not be very smart to remark upon his height._

Beckett: You think it's funny that I'm short Turner? I'm sure Mercer could remedy that.

_He snaps his fingers and Mercer steps out of the shadows with a giant ax. _

Will (feigning innocence): I wasn't remarking upon your height, I was merely remembering how hilarious the midget was when we got him drunk. So what do you want?

Beckett: I want Jack Sparrow.

Will: Obviously, otherwise I wouldn't have been arrested.

Beckett: You're powers of observation are astounding Mr. Turner. No, I want you act as the middleman in a business agreement between me and Jack Sparrow. I'd say that I wouldn't touch him with a hot poker but I already have, catch my drift?

_He does a flippy sword trick with his pirate brand poker, smashing some of the lights. Will snorts in amusement._

Will: You know, I could replace those for a fraction of the cost...

Beckett: I think you should worry more about this deal we're in the middle of. I want you to recover something from Jack Sparrow.

Will: With a sword?

Beckett: If it comes to that yes.

Will: Good.

Beckett: These are Letters of Marque. They offer a full pardon and employ as a privateer for the English crown.

Will: I think your views on freedom and employment are slightly skewed. Jack's not gonna like this.

_Beckett walks out onto his balcony and Will follows._

Beckett: Freedom is a myth Mr. Turner. The world is shrinking; the blank edges of the map are being filled in as we speak. Mr. Wilkins is very fast with a paintbrush. Jack must find his place in the New World or perish. There is no for pirates.

Will: So you want Jack and the Black Pearl?

Beckett: The Black Pearl?

Will: What Jack has that you want?

Beckett: No, I don't want his ship. Mine are better anyway. No, the item I require is a lot smaller and kept on his person at all times: a compass.

_Will tries to remain stony faced but he sucks at it._

Beckett: I knew you knew what I was talking about.

Will: Nope, no idea.

Beckett: Too late for that Mr. Turner. Bring me that compass or I'll make you fiancée's lovely neck a lot less lovely.

Will: Everyone's always saying that.

_On the Black Pearl Jack is pouring over a mad with little luck; his compass still doesn't work. He taps it and then throws it across the room before realizing what he's done and picking it up gently and apologizing to it. He decides that map reading is out of the question and rum solves everything. But the rum is gone._

Jack (out loud to himself): Make note to check brig for Miss Swann, Mrs. Turner or whatever her name is now.

_He stands up to find more rum and realizes it's gone because he drank it._

Jack: Blame the Jack...bwhahahaha...oh God I'm drunk.

_He trips his way below decks and takes in the sight of his snoring crew, lying in each others hammocks and using each others stomachs for pillows._

Jack: I think it's going rather well, don't you?

Cotton's Parrot: Awk! Blame the rum! Awk!

Jack: Truer words were never spoken mate. Carry on.

_He finally finds his way to the rum locker, which is bloody huge and bloody empty, except for a bottle of sand. _

Voice In The Darkness: Time's run out Jack.

Jack: I know I'm not that drunk. You here Cotton's Parrot?

Cotton's Parrot: Awk! Why's the rum gone! Awk!

Voice In The Darkness Who Turns Out To Be Bootstrap Bill: Hello mate, you look good.

Jack: You'd be surprised what running away from Miss Swann can do for your health. Sorry, the future Mrs. Turner. Whatever.

Bootstrap: Future Mrs. Turner?

Jack: Yep. She's only marrying him because I'm a pirate and poor Pompous Wig disappeared. Is this a dream?

Bootstrap: Nope.

Jack: Right, cause Miss Swann would be here if it was I reckon. She's good at that.

Bootstrap: I bet there'd be rum too.

_A rum bottle materializes out of nowhere on a barrel next to Jack._

Jack (picking up the rum, sniffing it and drinking it): You sure this ain't a dream?

Bootstrap: Certain. I see you got the Pearl back.

Jack: Yep. Young William helped me get it back too.

Bootstrap: I always knew he'd be a pirate.

Jack: Oh, he's not a pirate. He just thinks he is. And he does a terrible job. Tries to be honorable at the wrong time and never ever gets the opportune moments right.

Bootstrap: Well, he learned from the best, so I guess there's not much we can do.

Jack: Why're you here mate? It's the middle of the night and I got materializing rum and no Miss Swann. You're not helping my mood.

Bootstrap: The Squid-man sent me.

Jack: Davy Jones?

Bootstrap: Aye.

Jack: He shanghaied you into service then? Hard life man, I feel for you, I really do.

Bootstrap: No, I asked for it. I got pretty bored on the bottom of the sea. I couldn't die and I couldn't figure out that I could've just pulled myself apart in the moonlight and walked out of there.

Jack: So you've never heard of fanfiction then? Pity that.

Bootstrap: Don't change the subject, you made an oath too. He raised the Pearl from the depths for you and you've been captain for thirteen years.

Jack: Now wait—

Bootstrap: Your clever words can't save you this time Jack. You know the terms, one soul bound to serve a hundred years on the Flying Dutchman.

Jack: But the Flying Dutchman already has a captain so there's no point in—

Bootstrap: Then it's the Locker for you. His leviathan will find you and drag the Pearl to the depths and you along with it.

Jack: Any idea when Jones will unleash said terrible beastie?

Bootstrap: I already told you Jack. Time's up.

_He slaps Jack's hand._

Bootstrap: It comes now drawn with ravenous hunger to the man who bears the Black Spot.

_Jack looks at his hand. A Black Spot is spreading out from the place that Bootstrap touched. He looks up and Bootstrap has gone. Then he looks at the rum bottle in his other hand. _

Jack: What the hell is this stuff?

_Then it hits him._

Jack (panicking): On deck all hands. Scurry! Up! I want movement! Hold out your pocket handkerchiefs if you have to!

_He grabs some cloth of a pirate and wraps his hand in it._

Gibbs: Do we have a heading Captain?

Jack: Run! Land!

_Gibbs turns around and Jack is gone. Not gone but hiding behind a mast._

Gibbs: Which port did you want?

Jack: Didn't say port, said land. Get me to land.

_The spaz monkey jumps out of the rigging and screeches at him, he hisses back so the monkey grabs his hat and throws it in the water._

Gibbs: Get Jack's hat!

Jack: No no, leave it!

The Crew: OH. MY. GOD. Did he just say leave it?

Jack: Run!

Gibbs: Back to your stations!

_He looks for Jack, who is hiding under the stairs._

Gibbs: For the love of mother and child Jack, what's chasing us?

Jack: Nothing. Run, land.

_Somewhere out at sea some poor unsuspecting fishermen fish Jack's hat out of the water. As they are fighting over it the water rumbles and the boat it Kraken chow._

Fish: Ouch.

Kraken: Oh look desert.

_The fish is Kraken chow._

Another Fish: Not even gonna go there.


	4. Stippers Are Traditional

**Parody of the Caribbean: Dumb Man's Composition**

Strippers Are Traditional

_Will is ready to set off on what will most definitely be an exciting romp through the park to find Jack and convince him that hey, Beckett's not that bad he's just misunderstood, and whispers bloody short snark. So because of this awesome adventure he's about to have he must go console his dearly beloved who's locked in a prison cell with freaks wanting to grab her on every side._

Elizabeth: Daddy! Get your hands away from me!

The Governator: Sorry dear, you had some lint on you...who am I kidding here?

Will (barging down the stairs): Elizabeth!

Elizabeth: Will!

Guard: Mr. Swann!

The Governator: It's GOVERNOR Swann to you, Dennis.

Dennis (pouting): Sorry sir. Please let me keep my wig sir.

The Governator: Alright, I'll let it go this time. But no more slip ups.

Dennis: I'm just so embarrassed, last time I let someone in here without interrogation Turner broke Sparrow out of jail and you know all the trouble that caused!

_He breaks down and starts crying. The Governator edges away from him. Will and Elizabeth are deep in conference about Jack and Beckett._

Elizabeth: Really? You think _they'd_ do _that_? Will, you have a smutty mind.

Will: Hey, it's my turn. I remember what you were like.

Elizabeth: But it's my hormones, I can't help it. And I _am_ the only female around here.

Will: Let's not get into this again or I'll have to fend off Jack, Norrington, Beckett, Mercer, Gibbs, the midget, Cotton, Cotton's parrot, the cannibals, Davy Jones, my father, the cursed sailors on the Dutchman, and Barbossa.

Elizabeth: Will, I don't know half the people you're talking about. What's this about Davy Jones and Barbossa?

Will: Damn. Uh, pretend I didn't say anything.

Elizabeth: But you said—

_Will uses a flashy thing from MIB on her because he's from the future and knows the script._

Elizabeth: Will, why does Beckett want Jack's compass?

Will: I'm not sure but if it'll get you out of here then I'll find Jack at all costs.

Elizabeth: Awww, that's so sweet of you. You could get him thrown in jail with me, I'm sure we'd have a blast.

Will: No, I'm getting you out of here and then we'll be married.

The Governator: That's what you think.

Will: Excuse me?

The Governator: We're not going to wait around for you and Jack to save the day again. I'll find some other way of getting you out Elizabeth.

Elizabeth: How about you attack Port Royal with the Black Pearl?

The Governator: No, it'll never work.

Will: Are you saying that I suck or that Jack sucks?

The Governator: Personally I think you both suck.

Elizabeth: Daddy!

The Governator: But Will, I don't think Jack would risk his life for you so I wouldn't ask him to.

Will: Why don't you think he would?

The Governator: You're a bit of a prat.

_Will pouts._

The Governator: Where's Fido? I think he took the keys to our carriage again.

Dennis: Right this way sir. Give him biscuits, he likes that.

_They wander off to look for Fido. Elizabeth and Will have a moment._

Elizabeth: OMG Will I love you don't leave me.

Will (dramatically): Alas my love I must away. I shall return with the keys to this dreadful prison and carry you away on my white horse.

Elizabeth: Whoa

Will: Yeah well I'll start looking in Tortuga and I won't come back till I find him. Then I'll come back here and we'll get married properly.

Elizabeth: Really?

Will: If you'll still have me.

Elizabeth: Only if I can have a bachelorette party first.

Will: A what?

Elizabeth: Tell Jack about it, he'll understand. I've got the shackles. Tell him to bring...well come to think of it he doesn't need to bring anything.

Will: Elizabeth you are sick.

Elizabeth: What? Strippers are traditional!

The Governator (returning): So um Will? Do you still sell lights by any chance?

_He sheepishly holds up a broken candle stick._

_Will leans in._

Will: Keep a weather eye on the horizon. Soon you'll see black sails.

Elizabeth: OMG kiss me. PPPPPllllllllllleeeeeeeeaaaaaaaassssssssseeeeeee kiss me.

Will: Sucks doesn't it?

_He stands up and strides out, leaving her hanging on the bars._

Elizabeth: You spiteful bastard!

_Will goes all over the place but no one knows where he is. _

First Guy: Thought he was dead. Bastard owes me money.

Second Guy: Drunk in Singapore. God, wish I was drunk.

Giselle: Jack Sparrow?

Will: Yes? You've seen him?

Scarlett: No, we haven't seen him in a month.

Giselle: If you find him will you give him our love?

_Will looks hopeful but then gets the worst backhand EVER._

Giselle: God I wish I was drunk.

Scarlett: C'mon. Mr. Norrington's game for that and _other_ things as well. wink nudge

_They prance off, making Will jealous._

Will: Jack Sparrow is one lucky son of a whore.

Third Guy: I don't know where he is either but his ship is on the beach of that there island. The one that human bones are found on all the time. Weird that.

Will: Oh right. Sounds good. Can you take me there?

Third Guy: My brother can.

_Will and the brother are almost to the island when the brother stops rowing._

Will: Keep going!

Brother (in French): Hell no!

Will: What?

Brother (in French): I said Hell no brother! I ain't no fool.

Will: Well if you're going to go all multicultural on me then I'm outie. Bilingual freak.

_He dives into the water. _

_He comes ashore next to the Black Pearl who is careened on her side and totally abandoned._

Will: Jack!

_No one answers._

Will: Gibbs?

_Still no one._

Will: This is retarded.

Cotton's Parrot: I hope you're not hungry.

Will: No I just ate.

Cotton's Parrot: Awk! There's some sick freaks on this island. Awk!

Will: The hell?

Cotton's Parrot: Awk! Sick freaks! Awk!

_It flies away._

Will: This movie is psycho.

_He walks until he finds a clearing that has a bear trap lying in the middle._

Will: Do you honestly think I'm that stupid?

_He drops a stick in so the trap snaps. A bell rings in the jungle._

Cannibal Jumping Out And Scaring The Hell Out Of Everyone: Yes, I honestly think you are.

_Will enforces this line of thinking by whipping out his sword as he gets caught in a lasso and hauled up into the air. _

Will (the dumbest thing to say):C'mon y'all! I can do this all day!

Cannibals: Moron.

_The gets hit in the neck by a sleeping darts and falls right asleep._

_He is carried to their village high in the mountains on a big stick like they did in Star Wars, except Han Solo was better and Luke was just as dumb. Han Solo is love! He's just like Jack but he gets the girl, oooh maybe foreshadowing for POTC 3? That'd be hilarious. Anyway. Will wakes up as he is being presented to Jack, who is wearing some serious tribal makeup and a kickass hat. _

Some Cannibal Dude (in Cannibal): Oh Great One, we have caught more steak.

Will: Jack? Jack Sparrow? OMG I'm so happy to see you.

_Jack ignores him and starts poking him in the shoulder._

Jack (in Cannibal): How many days old is the steak?

Cannibal Dude (in Cannibal): He smells fresh.

Will: Tell them to let me go.

Jack (in Cannibal): Something's not right about him. Aahh, here it is. He's a eunuch. Means he ain't got any cash and prizes as they say.

Cannibals: OMG (in Cannibal of course).

Will (seeing Jack's compass): Jack I need your compass. Elizabeth is going to hang.

Jack: Result!

Will and Cannibals: WHAT!

Jack (in Cannibal): What a shame.

Will: Give me the compass and she'll be safe. And she told me to mention something about a bachelorette party and shackles but I don't know what she's talking about. She told me that you don't need to bring anything. And there was some conspiratorial winking too. Do you know what she's talking about?

_Jack looks like Christmas has come early._

Jack: I knew she'd have a change of heart.

Cannibal Dude (in Cannibal): Oh Great One, what is this blasphemous language you are speaking?

Jack (in Cannibal): Sorry, had too much coffee this morning.

Cannibal Dude: Ahhh.

Jack (in Cannibal): I know right? Anyway, this one needs to mature some more on account of the eunuchy-ness. Throw him in the cage with the others.

Cannibal Dude (in Cannibal): YEAH! C'MON BOYS!

_The Cannibals cheer and cart Will off._

Jack (discreetly to Will): Save me!

Will: What? Jack, let me go. What about the bachelorette party? JAAAACCKKK!


	5. Short Men

**Parody of the Caribbean: Dumb Man's Composition**

Short Men...

_Elizabeth is still being sexually harassed by the moldy old prisoners when her father coming rushing into the prison. _

Elizabeth: Daddy! What're you doing here?

The Governator: I'm getting you out, what did you think I was doing here?

Elizabeth: But I have to wait for Jack Will and the white horse and...and...

The Governator: See, you don't have any good reason not to come. Let's go. Dennis, the keys.

Dennis: Right, sir. This rebellion is all very good but don't you think Beckett is smarter than that?

The Governator: No. If he was I'd have Elizabeth marry him.

Elizabeth: Daddy! Will has gone to find Jack. I want to stay here. If we get separated I'll never be able to marry either one of them.

The Governator (thinks about this): To the carriage! You're going to an English nunnery; I'm tired of trying to get you married.

Elizabeth (being shoved into the carriage): ONOZ!!!!!!1!!!!1!!!!

_They arrive at the harbor and the silhouette of the captain doesn't move. I'd be suspicious but I write fanfiction instead._

The Governator: Elizabeth, stay in there. I'm suddenly very suspicious.

_She doesn't reply._

The Governator: Pouting won't get you anywhere. Oh, captain dude, you ready to go? Don't even try to seduce her or you'll be very sorry.

_The captain dude won't try, unless Liz is _VERY VERY_ desperate. Mercer steps out from behind him, knife in hand. The captain falls down dead._

The Governator: AHHHHH!!!!! Don't you try to tempt her.

Elizabeth: Daddy, I'm not that desperate.

The Governator: Mercer, what the hell do you think you're doing?

Mercer: Infringing on your privacy rights. You can't just go writing to the King. Beckett controls the oceans and we wouldn't want old Georgie to change that, would we?

The Governator: That was a private letter! It had nothing to do with your precious Beckett.

Mercer: You were still breaking the law. Guards!

The Governator: You can't do this! I'm the King's Governor of Port Royal blah blah blah.

Mercer: Open the coach!

The Governator: You know, maybe it would just be simpler to kill her.

Elizabeth: Daddy!

_The guards open the coach. It is empty._

Mercer: She's not in there. Where is she?!

The Governator: Oh dear God, I've developed a subconscious Elizabeth! Don't hurt me!

_Meanwhile in Beckett's spacious office, Beckett is taking a midnight stroll to the whiskey cabinet. He decides to check on the Letters of Marque, ruining any chance Elizabeth had at being sneaky._

Beckett: Damn, the whiskey's gone!

Elizabeth: You know, I'm so drunk I'd marry _you_ if you were taller.

_She staggers a little._

Beckett (failing miserably at flirting): You know what they say about short men...

Elizabeth: ALRIGHT THAT'S ENOUGH!!!!! Here's your damn whiskey.

Beckett: I knew it. Did you take my Letters of Marque?

Elizabeth: Yes.

Beckett: So you know that currency is now the currency of the realm.

Elizabeth: Whatever THAT means. If it was true then you'd be satisfied with treasure but you're a liar so I'll put this nice pistol to you're head til you sign these Letters.

Beckett: You think you're so clever.

Elizabeth: No, I think you're so stupid. The compass leads to the Isla del Muerta, which is cursed, I would know. You'd be better off asking Will to get the Pearl for you.

Beckett (snickers): There's more than one chest of value in these waters.

Elizabeth: Pervert.

Beckett: No, you're so stupid. That compass points to other places too. And I'm the one with the international power. You don't mess with me.

_She cocks the pistol and puts it to his chin._

Elizabeth: You ruined my wedding. Don't be an idiot.

Beckett: Point taken.

Elizabeth: Although, keeping the only woman in the movie single was probably a good move, though not on your part. Short men indeed.

Beckett: Are you trying to get me to prove something?

Elizabeth: SIGN!!!!

_Beckett signs and she shoots him in the foot just for good measure. _

Elizabeth: Have fun with that.

Beckett: Bitch


	6. God Made Your Mother

**Parody of the Caribbean: Dumb Man's Composition**

God Made Your Mother

_Pintel and Ragetti are sitting in a longboat in the middle of the ocean. Ragetti is reading, with his wooden eye, what the hell, and Pintel is rowing._

Ragetti: It was God!

Pintel: It was me!

Ragetti: It was God!

Pintel: It was me!

Ragetti: God made you!

Pintel: My mother made me!

Ragetti: God made your mom!

Pintel: Don't you say that about my mother.

Ragetti: Do you want me to go into Creationism or are you one of those Darwinists?

Pintel: Who?

Ragetti: I win. And I'm not stealing a ship. It's sin.

Pintel: You can't read. That's a lie and that's a sin too.

Ragetti: Keep your priorities straight.

_The dog with the keys facepalms and jumps into the water._

Pintel: OMG the Black Pearl!!!

_They are pwned by wave._

Wave: God made me first bitch.

Ragetti: Maybe if we _salvage_ it we can still get into heaven.

Pintel (ironically crosses himself): Amen to that.

Dog: You're PIRATES!!! All pirates don't go to heaven.

Pintel: Neither do dogs.

Ragetti: Yeah, animals don't have souls.

Dog: You obviously had a very sheltered childhood. I'm outie. See you in heaven.


	7. Would You Like The Hangnail or the Athle

**Parody of the Caribbean: Dumb Man's Composition**

Would You Like the Hangnail or the Athlete's Foot Today?

_While Will, Gibbs, Cotton, Marty the Midget, and some other crew members are shilling in a nifty bone cage, Jack is sitting on his bone throne and enjoying a meal of ...TOES! _

Jack (in Cannibal): Mmm! Hangnail, tasty. Got any bunions or athletes foot?

Cannibals (in Cannibal): That's just nasty.

Jack: You served it to me!

_In the bone cages:_

Will: This is the screwiest monarchy I've ever seen.

Gibbs: You can say that again.

Cotton's Parrot: Awk! This is the screwiest monarchy I've ever seen! Awk!

_Eyeroll._

Will: So, Jack's chief of a cannibal tribe and he can't pick who he eats?

Gibbs: Pretty much. The Cannibals made Jack their chief because they think he's a god in human form.

Authoress: Heck yes he is.

Will: Shut up.

Gibbs: He's only their chief if he acts like a chief. And those drums you hear? They're counting down to the feast to honor His Royal Godliness.

Will: So what's the problem?

_Cotton bites Gibbs's fingers._

Gibbs: Ow! Yeah, honor equals eat him to free him of his fleshy prison.

Will: Sick.

Marty the Midget: Dude, I know.

Will: Why are you even here? Can't you slip through the bars?

Gibbs: Bones, Will. That's where everyone else went.

Will: AHHHH!!!!! NASTY!!! Let's get out of here.

Gibbs: Sounds good to me.


	8. Retarded Han Solo Wannabe

**Parody of the Caribbean: Dumb Man's Composition**

Retarded Han Solo Wannabe

_The Cannibals have finished preparing the ceremonial pyre to roast their king on. Jack is obviously displeased, but maybe for the wrong reason._

Jack (gesticulating wildly in Cannibal): NO! More wood! Me chief, want big fire!

Cannibal: You retarded?

Jack: Me want big fire!

_His bodyguard goes off the help get more wood. Good move by the bodyguard. The fire is now HUGE but Jack has run off. Shucks. Jack runs over a nifty rope bridge and ends up in a hut full of bloody knives. _

Jack: I'm gonna kill Gibbs for picking this island.

_He finds some rope and some of Beckett's prize spices._

Jack: Paprika!

_He leaves the hut and finds the whole village assembled outside the hut, looking hungry and PISSED OFF. _

Jack: Oh, sorry. The paprika. I just couldn't contain myself.

_He applies the paprika vigorously, like it's gonna help._

_Jack is now on the Han Solo Roasting Spit over the MONSTER HUGE BONFIRE. _

_The two cages swing back and forth to upbeat circus music. They are trying to reach the cliffs and escape. Finally after like a million tries they grab onto some vines and start climbing._

Will: C'mon guys you can do it!! No pain, no gain!!

Gibbs: What are you, a high school football coach?

Will: We need everyone to crew the Pearl.

African Pirate in the Other Cage: Actually you only need about six.

_There are conveniently six pirates in each cage._

Will: Shit.

_They start to climb like mad. A young Cannibal is taking a leisurely stroll along the rope bridge. Must be vegetarian because everyone else is salivating over at the bonfire site._

Will: Shut up. Stop moving.

_He points to the Cannibal kid._

_The African Pirate shushes the men in his cage and they continue to climb quietly. Will angrily motions for them to stop but they don't listen to impertinent brats like him. He isn't even a real pirate after all. No wonder Elizabeth hasn't married him yet._

Will: Hey, watch what you're writing!

_The African Pirate smirks and grabs a coral snake, which it totally deadly._

African Pirate: ONOZ!!!!!!!1!!

_He drops the snake, which must have fallen through the cage, and so all the other pirates drop their vines and fall to their death, screaming and drawing attention to themselves. The Cannibal kid can't believe his eyes. What idiots._

Will: Faster!

Cannibal With Torch (sounding very important, in Cannibal of course): Let the tribal dances and the feast begin! We will free Jack!God from his fleshy prison and live in heaven on Earth!

Cannibals: W00t!!!

_Jack is about to be torched when the Cannibal kid comes running into the village_.

Cannibal Kid: OMG they're escaping!!!!

_Dead silence._

Jack: Go get them!!! I want their toes!!!

_The Cannibals all run out into the jungle, leaving the torch to get acquainted with the MONSTER HUGE BONFIRE._

Jack: Shit.

_Will and company have gotten to the top of the cliff. _

Will: Quick, cut it loose.

_Jack bounces off the spit as the pyre is engulfed by the fire._

_The pirates cut the cage loose. The cannibals come bursting through the jungle._

Gibbs: Lift it like a lady's skirt and run for your lives!

Cannibals: GET THEM!!!

Pirates: AHHHHH!!!!!!

_Jack runs back over the rope bridge to the huts. He is trying to free his hands. He sees a little kid and steals his silverware. The kid runs off to raise the alarm._

Jack: I just wanted more paprika!

_He begins to cuts the ropes but notices to angry looking Cannibal women. So he does what any smart person cough Han Solo cough would do: Yells wildly and runs at them. The get out of his way and he crashes into the coconut reserves._

Cannibal Woman #1: Damn it! You know how long that took.

_Jack has a coconut on the end of his Han Solo Roasting Spit now and he whips it towards the women. #1 catches it. She. Is. Pissed._

_The cage rolls through the jungle to epic music and finally falls in a crag and smashes, not killing anyone._

Gibbs: Hide.

_They dodge the sleeping darts and arrows that the Cannibals shoot and are beginning to get hypothermia when the little tattling Cannibal kid comes running._

Cannibal Kid: The king's gotten away!

_Cannibals run after him to capture their king and eat him._

Will: The screwiest monarchy ever, I tell you.

_The Cannibal women are throwing all their fruit at Jack, who catches it on the end of his Roasting Spit._

Jack: Stop!!!

_They stop. Jack is now Jack-kabob. He runs towards the edge of the cliff, gets stuck in the coconuts again and flips over the gorge, landing neatly on the other side._

Jack: Neat.

_Then he is betrayed by fruit._

Jack: NOOOOOOO!!!!

Cannibal Woman #1: Well that was strange.

Cannibal Woman #2: No shit.

_The Spit is caught between the cliffs and the rope unwinds with Jack on the end._

Jack (for the first time out of many): Bugger.

_The Spit shifts and he goes falling down through five million rope bridges. His fruit falls off and he screams all the way. He lands very hard on the ground, not breaking a single bone in his body (god indeed) and is almost speared in the face by the Han Solo Roasting Spit. The fruit falls down around him. It looks painful._

_The crew burst out of the jungle and runs for the Pearl. The tide is coming in and Pintel and Ragetti are having a hard time getting her ready._

Pintel: Leave the damned monkey alone and pull loose the mooring line!!!

Ragetti: But I can't see!

Pintel: It's a wooden eye!

Gibbs: Everyone in the boat, ship, whatever!

Pintel: We got it ready for you; we don't have bad intentions at all. We most definitely never mutinied Jack Sparrow, that's for sure.

_Gibbs isn't listening. _

Will: Wait, I'm not leaving without Jack. That was the whole point of the movie so far.

_Jack comes running down the beach followed by the entire population of Cannibal Island._

Will: Screw this.

_They get on board. Jack reaches the ships as its setting sail and climbs onto the rope ladder._

Jack: Alas, my children. This is the day that you almost—

_Jack is pwned by wave._

Wave: MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Jack (pouts): Captain Jack Sparrow.

_He climbs up to the deck, eyeliner in terrible disarray._

_The Cannibals cry as the Black Pearl sails away. _

Dog: Help?

_The Cannibals decide that the dog is just as good as Jack and run after it._

Dog: I hate pirates.

_Jack is back in command._

Jack: I want to get away from this goddamn island. Gibbs, that was a very bad navigational decision on your part, don't mess it up again.

Gibbs: Aye, are we still keeping to the shallows?

Jack: Heck yes!

Will: Jack.

Jack: Damn, I had hoped they kept you.

Will: Give me your compass, Elizabeth is in danger.

Jack: You know, this plot is getting kinda old. Can't someone else be in danger for once? Oh yeah...

Will: It's your fault.

Jack: Why don't you lock her up, then she couldn't get into the rum. That's where the trouble started after all.

Will: She is locked up. She's going to hang because we helped you.

Jack: Now that would be a pity.

_Will is tired of Jack talking him in circles. He pulls out a sword because that doesn't require any intelligence or quick thinking._

Will: Give me the compass!!!!

_Jack slaps the sword away from him._

Jack: Gibbs, we need to go up river.

Gibbs: Shit.

Jack: I'm serious this time. We really need to go.

Will: WE NEED TO GO TO PORT ROYAL!!!!

Jack: I'll give you the bloody compass if you get me this.

_He pulls out the picture of the key._

Will: You want me to find this?

Jack: Yes, that's what I just said.

Will: Will this save Elizabeth?

Jack: Most definitely.

Will: How?

Jack (mysteriously): How much do you know about Davy Jones?

_Will thinks about this._

Will: Absolutely nothing.

_Jack snorts._

Jack: Yep, it's gonna save Elizabeth.

Will: Your tone worries me.

Jack: Shut up and get to work.


	9. Midshipman Fabio and Elizabeth the Vexfu

**Parody of the Caribbean: Dumb Man's Composition**

Midshipman Fabio and Elizabeth the Vexful

_A pretty ship, the Edinburgh, sets sail from Port Royal. The sailors are going about their business when one of them stumbles upon Elizabeth's wedding dress_.

Sailor #1: Huh.

_The captain comes out of his cabin to loud bickering. _

Sailor #1: Give me the dress, I found it.

Sailor #2: No!

Captain Bellamy: Now shut up you lot. It's going to be a long voyage and I know you gents get lonely but there's no reason to resort to...this.

Sailor #1: It's not like that at all.

Sailor #2: Well, actually—

Sailor #1: The ship is haunted. There's a female presence here, all the men have felt her.

_Ewwwww._

Captain Bellamy: Oh really?

Sailor #3: Yeah, must be the ghost of a widow who lost her husband at sea.

Sailor #4: Probably a virgin too.

Captain Bellamy: But if she's dead that doesn't matter.

_CabinBoy!Elizabeth smirks as she paints the railing._

Sailor #1: I say we throw it overboard and hope she goes with it.

Sailor #2: That'll just make her angry. We need to get her what she wants.

_They start fighting again._

Captain Bellamy: This is the dumbest argument I've ever heard! It's more likely that there's a stowaway on board.

_CabinBoy!Elizabeth freezes._

_Captain Bellamy has the entire crews' attention now._

Captain Bellamy: Probably a young woman. Go find her.

_The crew goes to leave._

Captain Bellamy (loudly): I bet she's naked too!!!

_The crew looks a whole lot faster. CabinBoy!Elizabeth tries to look interested in naked women but decides to go spy on the hot young midshipman instead._

Midshipman Fabio: is gorgeous

Elizabeth: is totally obvious

_The crew of the Pearl takes some longboats up river. Will decides it's a good time for some backstory._

Will: Gibbs, have we got time for some backstory?

Gibbs: O' course, always got time for some backstory.

Will: Why's Jack afraid of the open ocean?

Gibbs: Aye, that's a good one. If we're speaking hypothetically, because there's no such thing as a superstitious sailor, there's a big nasty beastie called the Kraken that does the biding of Davy Jones. Davy Jones is like Beckett only for real. He controls the oceans and rides around underwater in his ship, the Flying Dutchman. If you piss him off for whatever reason he'll send the Kraken after you. It can suck your face off and it's got really bad breath. Everytime Jones tries to get it an appointment it eats the dentist, hypothetically speaking, that is.

Pintel and Ragetti are shaking in their shoes.

Will: Huh. So why's the key important.

Gibbs: That's why we're going to _her_ house.

Will: Her?

Gibbs: Yup.

_The longboats sail into a dark and creepy bayou with snakes and people standing in the water watching them. They pull up at a house on stilts, this must be New Orleans two hundred years ago. _

Jack: Don't worry. Tia Dalma and I go way back. Thick as thieves. Well, before...

Gibbs: I'll watch your back.

Jack (mumbling) It's me front I'm worried about.

Elizabeth: Me too.

Jack: Dammit, I've developed a subconscious Elizabeth.

Everyone But Cotton: Mind the boat.

_Cotton minds the boat._

_Jack sneaks up the ladder and peers cautiously into the house. Tia Dalma, a Jamaican witch most likely, looks up from some animal bones she's reading._

Tia Dalma (smiling a black smile): Jack Sparrow!

Jack: Hey, Tia, how you been?

Tia Dalma: I knew you'd come back to me one day.

Jack: Indeed...

_Tia stops as she sees Will._

Tia Dalma: You. You've got a lot of nerve coming here William Turner.

Will: Uh...

_Jack looks from Will to Tia._

Jack: Slut.

_Tia glares at him._

Jack: I'm the only one who gets any women in this story, Will back off.

_Will pouts, Tia smiles and walks to her table._

Tia Dalma: Come.

_Will sits down; Tia caresses his face or something. Jack has developed a twitch._

Tia Dalma (suggestively): What service may I do you?

Jack: AHHH!!!!

Tia Dalma: You know I demand payment.

Jack: It's about time.

_He pulls out a cage and whips the cover off it._

Jack: Look!

_He shoots Jack the Monkey, who screeches indignantly._

Jack: An undead monkey. Top that William.

_Will pouts._

Tia Dalma: Squee! I've always wanted one of these.

_She opens the cage and lets the monkey out._

Jack the Monkey: Take that bitch.

Gibbs: Nooooo...

Tia Dalma: So what do you want?

_Will takes out the drawing of the key. Tia recognizes it._

Tia Dalma: Can't the compass take you to this?

Jack: Possibly...

Tia Dalma: Ah, Jack Sparrow does not know what he wants.

Jack: I most certainly do...but, well...heh...

_He glances at Will, who is oblivious._

Tia Dalma: Your key go to a chest and you want what's in the chest.

Gibbs: What's in the chest?

Pintel: Gold, jewels, unclaimed properties of a valuable nature?

Ragetti: Nothing cursed I hope.

Tia Dalma: You all know of Davy Jones? A great guy, until he run afoul of that what vexes all men.

_Will leans in closer, he is a backstory addict_.

Will: What? What vexes all men?

_Tia flirts, Jack twitches._

Gibbs: The sea.

Pintel: Sums.

Ragetti: The dichotomy of good and evil.

Jack: No, Elizabeth.

_Tia Dalma nods gravely._

Will: WHAT?!?!?!?!?!??!

Tia Dalma (ignoring him for the prat he is): He fell in love.

Gibbs: With the sea.

Tia Dalma: No, with the woman who plays her on TV. Same difference. He loved her so much that it caused him pain. To great to live with but not enough to die.

Will: So...

Tia Dalma: He cut out his heart and put it in the chest.

Pintel: Sick.

Ragetti: Shut up, it's metaphor, or some other fancy kind of diction.

_Tia gives him a Look._

Ragetti: Yeah, you're right, sick.

Tia Dalma: He keeps the key with him at all times.

_Will turns on Jack._

Will: You knew this!

Jack: I did not. I didn't know where the key was. Now we do. You get me the key, I get you your girl. Deal.

Tia Dalma: Wait, what's that on your hand?

_Jack holds up his non-black spot hand. Tia grabs his other hand and unwraps it._

Gibbs: OMG NO!!!!!

_He does a little ritual to keep the curse from his. Pintel and Ragetti follow._

Jack: I'm fine, knock it off.

_Tia mumbles to herself and goes into the back room, conveniently allowing everyone to see Barbossa's dead legs lying back there. Jack's being dumb and stealing stuff instead of looking at Barbossa's boots._

Jack (to Calypso's locket): Oooh. Shiny. Better not though. Plot point.

_Tia Dalma returns with a jar of dirt. The Jar Of Dirt._

Tia Dalma: Davy Jones can only set foot on land once every ten years. Land is where you're safe and so you'll carry land with you.

_She gives Jack the J.O.D. Jack looks at it, rather skeptical._

Jack: This is going to help?

Tia Dalma: I'll have it back if you don't want it.

Jack: MY JAR OF DIRT!!!!!1111!!!!

Tia Dalma: Geez.

Will: We still need to find the Flying Dutchman.

_Tia Dalma gets out her lobster claws and shakes them up. She throws them down on the table._

Tia Dalma: A touch of destiny!

Jack: Looks more like a smiley face to me.


	10. Will Turner Lost in a Fight with Fish St

**Parody of the Caribbean: Dumb Man's Composition**

Will Turner Lost in a Fight with Fish Stew

_The Black Pearl has arrived at the lobster claw rocks. There is a half sunk ship chillin' among the reef. _

Will: That's the Flying Dutchman? That's rather pathetic if you ask me.

Jack: I didn't. And you might want to wash that big GULLIBLE off of your forehead.

Will: Oh. Sorry.

_He goes below and comes back just as gullible._

Jack: Right. What're you going to do then?

Will: I'll go over there find your key and kill anyone in my path.

Jack: Nice. Have a nice life, I mean time.

Ragetti: Your chariot awaits sire! It's a bit leaky but that's all we've got.

Jack: If you get caught say that Jack Sparrow sent you to settle his debt. Might save your life. wink wink

_Will rows over to the "Dutchman" while the rest of the crew wonders at his stupidity. _

Jack: Douse the lamps and keep quiet.

_Will explores the "Dutchman". There are lots broken things and lots of dead guys, including ONE WITH NO FACE!!!!!! Will totally didn't listen to Gibbs when he was telling the story._

Half Dead Guy: I can't stop pulling the rope! It's gonna catch us!

Will: You're on a reef.

Half Dead Guy: But there's still ocean all around us!

_Will should have though about that before. The Flying Dutchman, for it is SO obvious that this piece of crap wasn't the Flying Dutchman, explodes out of the water. _

Will: Shit.

_He is surrounded by crew members/ shellfish stew. It is rather creepy. The half dead guys just whimper and go quietly but Will, oh no, Will does not go quietly. Or smartly._

Will (with an eighteenth century lightsaber): C'mon y'all! I can do this all day!

Fish Man: Shut up.

_Will is smacked in the face with a sword and knocked out._

_Davy Jones, part man, part squid, part lobster, comes up out of the water. The half dead guys whimper. Will's face says "Oh shit". He did not bargain for this. Jack Sparrow totally tricked him. He should have seen it coming. Everyone else did._

Davy Jones: How many?

Sharkface: Five still alive, the rest have moved on.

_Davy Jones taunts the poor half dead guys._

Half Dead Religious Guy: Don't listen to him. You'll all go to Hell!

Davy Jones: Well, you might.

_Sharkface slits his throat. _

Davy Jones: So, will you serve or do you wanna join the Church Lady down there?

Other Half Dead Guys: Our souls are yours!!!

_Davy Jones walks down to Will._

Davy Jones: You're not dead. Why're you here?

Will: JackSparrowsentmetosettlehisdebt!

Davy Jones: What did you say?

Will: Jack Sparrow sentmetosettlehisdebt!

Davy Jones: I'm sorely tempted to accept that offer.

_Jack is being a nosey little dork and comes telescope to eye with Davy Jones, who looks PISSED. He is suddenly standing right in front of Jack and all of the crew has been taken hostage by fish stew. _

Ragetti: Ew! I'm a vegetarian.

Jack: Well hi there.

Davy Jones: You've been captain for thirteen years. It's time to pay up.

Jack: But I was mutinied! Give me eleven more years, please!

Davy Jones: Not my fault.

Jack: WAHHHHHH!

Davy Jones: Shut up.

Jack: But there's already one soul over there.

Davy Jones: You're worth more than he is.

Jack: Well that's obvious.

Davy Jones: You need ninety-nine more souls, plus him, before I'll let you be free. You're got three days. But can you live with yourself?

Jack: Hmm. Yep. I can do it. But Elizabeth will castrate me. Maybe I'll recondsi—

Davy Jones: Tough luck. And gimme my spot back.

_He tentacles Jack's hand and the spot vanishes. Davy Jones and his crew dematerialize._

Davy Jones: Thhhhrrreeeeee dddaaayyyssss...

_The rest of the crew wets themselves._

Jack: I feel sullied and unusual. Gibbs, is there anymore rum?

Gibbs: Sorry.

Jack: We need ninety-nine souls in three days. Hmm.

Gibbs: Tortuga?

Jack: Tortuga. Though I have a bad feeling about this. I hope there's no more slapping involved.


	11. The Hot Side of Ambition

**Parody of the Caribbean: Dumb Man's Composition**

The Hot Side of Ambition

Captain Bellamy: OMG! The East India Trading Company ruined my life!

Sailor #1: No shit.

Sailor #2: There's always Tortuga.

Captain Bellamy: My life's not that ruined.

Sailors #1 and #2: OMG! BRIDE GHOST!!!!!

_They freak out and run on deck, not staying in the SAFETY of their cabin. Whatever._

_The "ghost" floats forward and points at Bellamy. CabinBoy!Elizabeth is being very clever. The two sailors shove the captain forward. The "ghost" swoops around and knocks over some a lantern. The crew isn't worried that their ship might be on fire but they are worried about the entrails in the water._

Sailor #1: OMG entrails are baaad.

CabinBoy!Elizabeth (can't stand their imbecility so she puts on a man voice): Hey, look at the FIRE on the deck.

Crew: AH! Fire!

_The fire says "TORTUGA OR BUST." _

Captain Bellamy: I don't wanna!

_The "ghost" knocks him over the side._

Sailor #5: No! He has to be eaten later!

_Gibbs is sitting at a table in The Faithful Bride, amid chaos also known as The Tortuga Barfight. _

Gibbs: What can you bring to the crew of the Black Pearl?

Sailor #1: My ambition!

Sailor #2: I don't give an ass rat's whether I live or die.

Sailor #3: I only have two working limbs.

Sailor #4: My childhood dreams!

Gibbs: Lovely, sign the roster.

_Jack is chanting "Elizabeth" "I know what I want" over and over again._

Jack: Gibbs, how may have we got?

Gibbs: Four.

Jack: Splendid.

_Gibbs looks up and it's Hottington Norrington, looking very drunk, scruffy, and pissed off._

Gibbs: And what lovely qualities can you offer the crew of the Black Pearl?

Norrington: I want to kill you all!

Gibbs: Now then...wait. COMMODORE NORRINGTON?!?!?!?!?!?

Norrington: No! Not anymore, your captain ruined my life!

Jack: Elizabeth helped.

_He sneaks away disguised as a palm frond._

Norrington: So can I join the crew?

_Gibbs looks hesitant._

Norrington: GOING SOMEWHERE NICE?!

_He throws the table over. The entire bar is watching._

Norrington: So I'm not good enough for CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow?

_PalmFrond!Jack tries to sneak out the door but is tempted to order rum and blows his cover._

Norrington (aiming the pistol at Jack): Asking if you could have rum was a mistake, Sparrow. Plants don't drink rum.

Jack: Sure they do.

Norrington: Well, plants don't have feelings, so I could shoot you and it'd be fine.

Jack: You're hired.

Norrington: Sorry, changed my mind.

_The four sailors hired before Norrington attack him and his accidentally shoots some guy's rum bottle. CHAOS BEGINS!!!! Everyone punches/kicks/shoots/stabs everyone else. Jack and Gibbs sneak up the stairs, avoiding attacks and trying on hats. Elizabeth, still dressed as a boy comes running in, because she likes violence. She kicks ass. Norrington drinks everyone else's rum until both of them are backed against a pillar._

Norrington: WHO WANTS SOME!!!!

Elizabeth and the Female Audience: OMG I DO!

Norrington: Form an orderly line and I'll have you one by one.

_Elizabeth smashes his rum bottle over his head, knocking him out. Clearly she is first in line. The other fighters are not sure whether or not this is good or not. Then they realize they can throw him to the pigs. That's always fun. Norrington lands in the mud with a splash._

Elizabeth (innocently): James, I'm soooo sorry. I couldn't tell it was you through all the hotness. Please forgive me?

_He looks up. She's holding rum, a fresh wig, and NO CLEAN CLOTHES FOR HIM TO CHANGE INTO_. _Jack likes this particular trick._

Norrington: Who's the lucky bastard now? Jack and Will ain't got nothin' on this.

_Elizabeth totally agrees. Mercer's eyes have been burned out from watching all the piratey things happening but he heard that last bit._

Mercer: I am soooo telling her father. Muhahahahaha.


	12. Daddy Issues

**Parody of the Caribbean: Dumb Man's Composition**

Daddy Issues

_The Flying Dutchman, the real one, is sailing through a nasty storm. The crew works relentlessly. Will's first day is totally crappy. And somehow the fish people all know his name._

Some Fish Face: Secure the mast tackle, Mr. Turner!

_Will and some guy who he doesn't recognize both run to secure this mast tackle, or whatever, and fight over the job._

Will: No! I like slave labor, don't you dare take my job from me!

_The other guy sees his face and gasps, inhaling large amounts of rainwater. Will can't hold the rope by himself and it pulls him to the deck. The canon they were raising comes crashing down and makes fish paste out of one of the crew members._

Fish Bo'sun: Pull that weevil to his feet!

_Will is sentenced to five lashes with the nasty cat o' nine tails. The stranger offers to take the payment for him. This catches the captain's attention._

Davy Jones: Now, why would you want to do that?

Bootstrap: He's my son!

_The crew gasps. Will whips around._

Will: WHAT?!

Davy Jones: Oh, this is just lovely. Bootstrap Bill, you whip him or the Bo'sun does.

Bootstrap: AUGH!

_The Bo'sun laughs evilly._

Bootstrap: I'll do it.

_The fish people restraining Will rip his clothes off._

Female Audience: swoons

_Will is totally flogged by his dad. It's sad, I know. They throw Will down the stairs, his back covered with nasty red cuts. His dad tries to help him but Will is going to be a bitch about it._

Will: I don't want your help.

Bootstrap: I saved you a whole lotta pain boy.

Will: Yeah, tell that to the BLOODY CUTS ON MY BACK!

_Bootstrap cries. Will gets over his anger issues because he just met THE FATHER HE'S NEVER KNOWN. DUH!!!_

Bootstrap: Once you've sworn an oath to the Dutchman there's no leaving it. One hundred years before the mast. You lose yourself bit by bit till you look like Treebeard here.

Will: OMG hi Treebeard.

Treebeard Wyvern: Uhhhh...my brain's stuck to the walllll...

Will: Sick.

Bootstrap: It's lovely to see you and all but why're you here in the first place? It's kinda creepy here.

_Will pulls out the picture of the key._

Will: I'm looking for this so I can save my fiancé from an evil short man with compensation issues.

Bootstrap: That sucks.

Wyvern: The Dead Man's Chest...

Will: What?!

Wyvern: Open the chest with the key and stab the heart. No, don't stab the heart. The Dutchman needs a living heart or there'll be no captain. If there's no captain, there's no one to have the key.

Will: The captain has the key?

_Wyvern says nothing._

Will: Where's the key?

Wyvern: Hidden.

Will: Where's the chest?

Wyvern (nervously): Hidden.

_He turns back into the wall._

Will: Well great, now I have to sell my soul to get the key.

Bootstrap: I hope you're kidding.


	13. Rated PG13 for Excessive Elizabethness

**Parody of the Caribbean: Dumb Man's Composition**

Rated PG-13 for Excessive Elizabethness

_Elizabeth, still dressed like a man but with tight breeches and a nifty hat, walks down the wharf with a giddy Norrington in tow. Jack won't stand a chance._

Elizabeth: Captain Sparrow!

Jack: Whoa. I er, mean come to join me crew lad?

Elizabeth (batting her eyelashes): I'm looking for the man I love, Jack Sparrow.

Norrington: Hey now...

Jack: I'm flattered son but I'm not _that_ lonely. Still...

_Jack likes Elizabeth in the breeches. Pervert._

Norrington: I'll have you know that—

Elizabeth: I meant William Turn, Captain.

_Jack's brain explodes._

Jack: I, ah ,you...ELIZABETH!?!??!

_Elizabeth flirts. Jack is torn between the rum and the, well,...Elizabeth._

_Norrington whispers nastily in Jack's ear. Jack's brain explodes again if that's possible._

Jack: You did what?! Elizabeth, William is going to hear about this.

Elizabeth: Oh, now there's no reason to do that.

Jack: And why not? It'd be fair payback for the rum burning.

Elizabeth: But I'm you have NO DRESS in your cabin.

_Jack jaw drops. _

Jack: You're horrible.

Elizabeth: Do I need to be punished? wink wink

Jack: GIBBS! WE NEED TO GO RIGHT NOW!!!

Gibbs: What's our heading?

Jack: I uh dammit. Elizabeth, disregarding whatever is going to happen later, do you really really really want to save Will?

Elizabeth: Yes.

Jack: Great. See the thing is he got press ganged by Davy Jones, not my fault, but if you want to save him we have to go get the Dead Man's Chest.

Norrington: That's some major BS that is.

Jack: What happened to you?

Norrington: I got thrown into the mud and then Elizabethed.

Jack: Ahh. Why're you still here?

Norrington: You hired me.

Jack: I'm not letting you on the same ship with Elizabeth.

Elizabeth: Oh, this is gonna be good.

Pintel: No worries captain. Here!

_He shoves a goat at Norrington._

Ragetti: That ought to keep you company.

_They go off laughing like maniacs._

Jack: Anyway. The Dead Man's Chest can save Will. So that's what you want most in the world right now, right?

Elizabeth (looking from Jack to Norrington): Actually...

Jack: I said later. Right now you want the Dead Man's Chest.

Elizabeth: Okay. How're we going to find it?

Jack: My compass is special.

Norrington: You can say that again.

Jack: It points to what you want most in this world.

Elizabeth: This could come in handy.

Jack: THE DEAD MAN'S CHEST OR YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANYWHERE!!!!!!

Elizabeth: Fine.

_She opens the compass and waits for it to stop. It points...not towards the Dead Man's Chest._

Elizabeth: Ha.

_She shakes it and it points the right way._

Elizabeth: There we go.

_Elizabeth grins at Jack._

Jack (rather higher pitched than usual): Gibbs! Gibbs, lets get going, we've got our heading.

_Elizabeth drags Jack up the gangplank. Norrington sulks after with his goat. HA._

Jack: Oh dear God, what have I gotten myself into.


	14. Power Hungry Sword Flipping Bastard

**Parody of the Caribbean: Dumb Man's Composition**

Power Hungry Sword Flipping Bastard

_The blank edges of the map are even more filled in than before. And there are some pretty mermaids and sea dragons around the edges._

Beckett: What the hell is this Wilkins?!

Wilkins: Sorry, got carried away. Won't happen again.

Beckett: Where was I? Oh yes.

_He continues to practice the sword flipping thing with Norrington's sword._

Beckett: I am made of awesome.

_The Governator is watching in shackles and sans wig. He looks very beaten down._

The Governator: Please don't let anything happen to Elizabeth. I swear I was just sending her to a nunnery.

Mercer: Well, now she's in Tortuga, wearing very tight pants and having...relations with the known pirate Jack Sparrow, and other fugitives from justice.

Beckett: Including the former owner of this sword.

The Governator: WHAT!?!!?

Beckett: I'm only sad I can't be there too.

The Governator: I will not stand for this.

Beckett: Well, unless you give me your power I will send many nasty bits of metal after the Black Pearl and I daresay poor little Elizabeth isn't going to like it very much.

_The Governator cries._

Beckett: GIVE ME POWER!!!

The Governator: Okay.

Beckett: Thanks chum. You can take the shackles off now.

_The Governator has icky red sore wrists and looks rather pathetic._

Beckett: See Mercer, everyman has a price he will willingly accept. Even for something made worthless a long time ago.

_The Governator cries more._


	15. The Phaaaaaaaaaaaatom of the Caribbean

**Parody of the Caribbean: Dumb Man's Composition**

The Phaaaaaaaaantom of the Caribbean

_Dice fall very slowly and waste everyone's time. The fish people are playing for YEARS OF THEIR LIFE?! The role the dice and bet and writhe in agony when they lose. Will and Bootstrap watch in amusement._

Bootstrap: Idiots.

Will: I think it looks like fun.

_Will goes up to the board._

Will: I challenge Davy Jones!

_Everyone is quiet as the captain comes to the deck. They laugh, except Bootstrap who is horrified._

Davy Jones: I accept as long as we're not playing for your common sense.

Will: Deal. I want the key.

Davy Jones: WHAT?!

Will: Yep. I may not be smart but I can be a tricky bastard sometimes.

Davy Jones: Fine.

_He pulls out the key from his tentacle beard._

Davy Jones: What're you betting?

Will: My soul. An eternity of servitude.

Bootstrap: ONOZ!!! Will don't do it!

Will: Let's play.

_He and Davy Jones shake a cup of dice and slam it down on the board. A third cup is slammed down by Bootstrap._

Will: Ummm, not cool Dad. Ix-nay on the et-bay.

_Bootstrap is oblivious._

Bootstrap: I'm in, matching his wager.

Elizabeth: Like father, like son.

Will: I don't want you in my subconscious!

_They play the dumb life ruining dice game. Will loses but his father puts in a higher dumb bet to save his life._

Davy Jones: YOU LOSE BOOTSTRAP!!!! YOU'LL BE HERE FOREVER!!!! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh and Mr. Turner can leave the very next time we make port. Ha. In like ten years.

Will: Dad, you're an idiot. I just wanted to steal the key.

Bootstrap: Oh.

_That night, while the undead fish people are getting their beauty sleep. Like it's gonna help. Bootstrap comes above decks and relieves the steering guy of his job. Will sneaks into Davy Jones's orchestra pit (wtf?), where he was playing angsty Phantom of the Caribbean music before. Christine Daae will pop up any minute._

Christine: The Phaaaaaaaaantom of the Caribbean is there, inside my mind.

Will: Shut up!

_Will uses some weird stick things to pick up the tentacles and switch the key for the drawing of the key. He accidentally drops the tentacles and makes a really loud noise but Davy Jones is mesmerized by the magic music box necklace and goes back to sleep._

Christine: OMG the music box! He's going to keep me prisoner FORREVAH!!! Please save me, man with a good looking face.

Will: GET OFF!

_He goes back outside where his daddy has gotten a longboat ready._

Will: Why do you keep scantily clad daughters of famous violinists on board?

Bootstrap: For the same reason that Jack keep Elizabeth on board. Oops.

Will: I'm going to kill him right after I free you.

Bootstrap: Here's a knife to do the job with.

Will: Aww, thanks. See ya later.


	16. Persuasion is a Dangerous Ordeal

**Parody of the Caribbean: Dumb Man's Composition**

Persuasion is a Dangerous Ordeal

_Norrington is begrudgingly scrubbing the deck with his wig, poor guy, and listening intently to Jack, Elizabeth, and Gibbs talk about the Letters of Marque._

Jack: Beckett...

Elizabeth: Lord Cutler Beckett of the East India Trading Company. He keeps a P-brand poker in his fireplace.

_Jack makes faces._

Elizabeth: I know. He's a short little pervert.

Gibbs: Will was working for Beckett and didn't tell us. And he wants the compass, only one reason for that.

Jack: The chest.

Elizabeth: Yeah, he mentioned that too.

Gibbs: He wants to control the seas. That's bad. I'll get more wind out of these sails and leave you two alone to be suggestive to the little kids in the audience.

_He hurries off._

Jack: Erm, how did you get those anyway?

Elizabeth: Persuasion.

Jack: What, did you offer to marry him?

Elizabeth: Actually...

Jack: I don't believe you.

Elizabeth: I used a gun too.

Jack: Ah. So Will tries to be honorable but you get the prize. Nice. "Full pardon, commissioned as a privateer on behalf of England and the East India Trading Company" Like I'm gonna take that.

Norrington: Hey man, I will.

Jack: Shut up swabbie!

Norrington: You'll rue the day you gave me a goat as a bunk mate Sparrow! Rue it!

_Jack has quietly stuffed the letters in his vest during the yelling._

Elizabeth: Give those back. You know where this is going.

Jack: Yeah, I do. Persuade me. wink wink

Elizabeth: You're shameless. Give them to me or I'll go persuade Norrington.

Jack: Oh please.

_Elizabeth marches over to the other side of the ship, grinning like an idiot. Norrington comes over. She grabs him and drags him away._

Norrington: Miss Swann! Where are we going?

Elizabeth: We're making Jack jealous.

_The compass in her pocket laughs maliciously and points at Jack. _

Compass: This will be fun later on, I can tell.


	17. Fishy Spies and Crunchy Executions

**A/N: I'm baack! Maybe I'll do At World's End sometime but life's a little crazy. We'll see how it goes. Enjoy.**

**Parody of the Caribbean: Dumb Man's Composition**

Fishy Spies and Crunchy Executions

_By an uncommon stroke of luck for one as daft as Mr. William Turner, Will has ended up on the pretty ship _Edinburgh_, the one Elizabeth was on before, and has acquired a blanket and a cup of tea from the nice, dimwitted captain._

Captain Bellamy: I am not dimwitted! Poor soul was sittin' in a leaky boat out in the middle of the Caribbean Sea, I wouldn't wish those odds on anyone.

Sailor #1: But how'd you get so far out in a leaky boat?

Will: Doesn't matter. Just sail as fast as you can to land.

Sailor #1: What ever for?

_Will sees the wedding dress and ignores him._

Will: What have you done with my wife!

Sailor #2: I told you she was looking for her husband you fools! Now were all going to die!!

Captain Bellamy: Calm down. The spirit told us to go to Tortuga, so why would she hurt us if we listened to her?

Will: Tortuga?

Captain Bellamy: Aye, got us a nice pay off, out of the books of course. Pity, Midshipman Fabio and some girly cabin boy decided to leave, they were good sailors.

Will: Did you say a girly cabin boy?

Captain Bellamy: Aye, Elijah Swan. Good lad.

_Will curses._

Sailor #1: I still don't understand how you got out here mister.

Sailor up on deck: OMG Pirates!!! Slimy, green pirates!!!

Will: I told you to sail faster!

_Davy Jones is not amused by the rude message Will put in his tentacle beard in exchange for the key. Bootstrap is being held with a narwhal tusk at his throat. _

Davy Jones: You and your damned offspring! Why do you all cause so much trouble!

Bootstrap: Please, sir, it's not Will's fault. His mother was funny in the head.

Davy Jones: Oh, well if that's the case, we don't want him causing any more trouble then, do we?

Bootstrap: What?

Davy Jones (manically): The Kraken!

Bootstrap: NOOOO!!!!

_The crew runs around in panic while Will sneaks away to play in the rigging. He's having a great time shooting gulls until he sees Davy Jones torturing his dad on the Flying Dutchman._

Will: The Flying Dutchman!!!

_The ship hits a "reef". _

Sailor #1: What's going on?

Sailor #2: Must've hit a reef.

_Captain Bellamy is tentacled before their eyes._

Sailor #1: I knew there was somethin' wrong with him! He's a spy for the fishes.

Will: I was _trying _to help you. You deserve to be eaten now.

_The Kraken proceeds to make firewood out of the Edinburgh. There is much screaming and scrambling to get out of its way, except that means jumping into the water, where Davy Jones will get you. Either way, the crew of the Edinburgh is going to but be sleeping with the fishes. Ha. Will, who had some experience and foresight in the event of a Kraken attack, imagine that, watched the whole thing from the top of the mast. He ends up on a piece of wreckage with Elizabeth's dress as the Kraken bites the ship in two and pulls it under. _

Will: That thing must be very expensive to feed.

Davy Jones: Have you found the boy?

Hammerhead: Must've been claimed by the sea.

Davy Jones (rather amazing line): I am the sea.

Louis XIV: Yes, and I am the state!

Davy Jones: Throw him in the brig with Bootstrap.

Louis: Sacre bleu!

Davy Jones: Kill the survivors, it's PG-13 anyway.

_A lovely crunching execution sound is made by heads meeting big nasty fish swords._

Davy Jones: Oooh, that's nice. Now, get me to my heart first or you'll all be next. Fish heads sound mighty nice on the chopping block.

_The fish pirates cringe. Will watches from the ship's teeth, wondering how he's going to breathe underwater all the way to Isla Cruces._


End file.
